Humor

 Jesus and Satan Argument

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "

I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES.

 

KARMA PROBLEMS?

Troubled by karma problems? Do you have a hard time
starting your karma in the morning? Difficulty shifting? Are
you concerned that your karma might be a lemon? 

What exactly makes a karma go? Doesn't it have something
to do with internal combustion?

Well yes, the karmas we grew up with seem to get driven by
lots of friction and internal combustion. But this can be quite
stressful, not to mention wear and tear on parts. In this new
millennium, you can expect to see lots of clean-burning
karmas running on esteem.

So esteem is karma fuel?

Not exactly. Any material in life that we laugh at can be used
to fuel our karma. When we add a spark of joy to any painful
material in life, this causes an explosion of mirth - and this
bubbling of laughter causes esteem to rise. So turning material
into esteem is what empowers our karma.

What kind of karma should I drive?

It doesn't really matter what karma you drive as long as it puts
you on the expressway - and any way you express joy in the
world is your expressway. I suggest looking at the karma
you're already driving: Is your karma a big karma or a little
one? A gas-guzzler or one of those fuel-efficient, high-
economy karmas? Are you a sporty model or a cheap
pick-up? An elegant Continental or a beat-up Bug? Maybe
your karma is an old Dodge. If you're trading in your old
karma for the millennium, I have to go along with Karma and
Driver magazine and recommend the Evolvo.

What about karma insurance?

Oh, that is a very good idea, and not just because I recently
became a sales rep for All States. It can happen to anyone.
Your karma is just about paid off and wham - you run smack
into someone's dogma, and your karma is totaled. That's
what happened to Joan of Arc. Salmon Rushdie, on the other
hand, was protected by All States Karma Insurance, and is
impervious to vicious dogmas! And with All States, you're
protected not just in physical reality but in all states of being.

Why just last week, I was traveling out of my body and I
locked my keys inside. All States was there and got me back
in my body before my battery ran out! And if you fall behind
in paying your exorcist, All States will step in BEFORE you
get repossessed. Even if you owe the Eternal Revenue Service
thousands of years in back karma, All States will insure you.
Just tell them the Swami sent you, and they'll give you the
Super Savior rate - and a Get Out of Hell Free card at no extra
cost! Just put it on your Ascended Mastercard and make no
payments until your next lifetime. All States Karma Insurance
... don't leave Om without it.

Any tips for cleaning my karma?

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you may be suffering
from psychic b.o. (bodhi odor, we call it), because let's face
it, we smelled in past lives. Some of us really stunk, and that
stink is really going to stick. So I strongly recommend
bringing your karma to one of those soft-cloth karma washes
for a hose down, especially the underside. The underside of
your karma picks up some pretty foul stuff in the course of
a lifetime!

Can I learn to attune my own karma?

As someone who's been working on karmas for years, I will
tell you that fixing your karma is easier than you think. Sure,
you might have to see Mr. Godwrench for your 20,000 year
check-up, but most problems you can fix yourself using some
simple Auto-Suggestion techniques. Say goodbye to invasive
mechanical procedures and harmful engine additives! Just use
this healing relaxation at the first sign of karma trouble:

           * Put your karma into park
.          * Turn off your ignition.
           * Let your weight sink slowly into your tires.
           * Let your shock absorbers release all the
              tensions of the road.
           * Let all exhaustion escape from your tailpipe.

Good. Now repeat the following affirmations as you inhale 
deeply through your intake mannafold.

    * My battery is fully charged and
                I am getting plenty of juice.
            * My transmission is engaged and
                my karma has shifted into overdrive.
            * My front end is aligned with perfection.
            * I am One with my Universal Joint.
            * I cruise easily with the flow of Traffic
                and get off any time I like.

May your karma run smoothly until it is recalled by its Maker.

                

     Copyright by Steve Bhaerman.
     All rights reserved.

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