Suzanne Says

Questions & Answers

Question: I am totally confused. My wife and I are from a different country. I have been here 11 years and she moved here when we got married 2 years ago. We fight about one thing over and over. I donít know what I am doing wrong. My wife does not like me to be around other women, even if it is a professional setting. I currently signed up to start guitar lessons from a female teacher that a close friend highly recommends.

Answer: Sometimes we play a character in our partnerís script, where unhealed issues of the past are projected upon us. Until the deeper issues bothering your wife are brought to the surface this argument will come up again and again. In the mean time, look at the part she plays in your script. Who or what situations in your past feel similar to this current situation in your marriage; the pattern of being accused of something you did not do or do not want to do? Look for similar feelings you have had in the past, maybe, as a child watching your parents interact or with a former relationship. Also look at your unconscious motivations for choosing yet another female to work with (guitar lessons) which triggers your wife.

Question: Okay. How?

Answer: Eventually, you have to take responsibility for your own inner work when you do not like the dance with another person. The inner journey can be facilitated by a teacher or therapist, a workshop, course, or a book. You may need quiet time to ponder your patterns, to meditate, journal write, or read self-help books.

Question: But what do I do now with the guitar teacher situation?

Answer: Until you both get counseling or do the inner work I suggested, you have two choices. One, take the lessons with the teacher because you are doing nothing wrong. Here you have to be willing to pay the consequences of your wifeís anger, pulling away from you emotionally, etc. Or two, respond by listening to your wifeís insecurities at the moment, remembering her cultural upbringing, and change teachers. Here it is important to have a plan of action, such as going to marriage counseling where the two of you can explore issue. Individual help is recommended if your wife does not agree to join you.

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