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Question: I am totally confused. My
wife and I are from a different country. I have been here 11
years and she moved here when we got married 2 years ago. We
fight about one thing over and over. I don’t know what I am
doing wrong. My wife does not like me to be around other women,
even if it is a professional setting. I currently signed up to
start guitar lessons from a female teacher that a close friend
highly recommends.
Answer: Sometimes we play a character
in our partner’s script, where unhealed issues of the past are
projected upon us. Until the deeper issues bothering your wife
are brought to the surface this argument will come up again and
again. In the mean time, look at the part she plays in your
script. Who or what situations in your past feel similar to this
current situation in your marriage; the pattern of being accused
of something you did not do or do not want to do? Look for
similar feelings you have had in the past, maybe, as a child
watching your parents interact or with a former relationship.
Also look at your unconscious motivations for choosing yet
another female to work with (guitar lessons) which triggers your
wife.
Question: Okay. How?
Answer: Eventually, you have to take
responsibility for your own inner work when you do not like the
dance with another person. The inner journey can be facilitated
by a teacher or therapist, a workshop, course, or a book. You
may need quiet time to ponder your patterns, to meditate,
journal write, or read self-help books.
Question: But what do I do now with
the guitar teacher situation?
Answer: Until you both get counseling
or do the inner work I suggested, you have two choices. One,
take the lessons with the teacher because you are doing nothing
wrong. Here you have to be willing to pay the consequences of
your wife’s anger, pulling away from you emotionally, etc. Or
two, respond by listening to your wife’s insecurities at the
moment, remembering her cultural upbringing, and change
teachers. Here it is important to have a plan of action, such as
going to marriage counseling where the two of you can explore
issue. Individual help is recommended if your wife does not
agree to join you.
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