Humor

Quarantine

I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.
~~~~~ 
Ontario has banned groups larger than 5.  If you're a family of 6, you're all about to find out who's the least favorite!
~~~~~ 
The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required!
~~~~~ 
Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier.
~~~~~ 
If this keeps up, I'll be pouring wine in my cereal!
~~~~~ 
Today's Weather?  Room temperature
~~~~~ 
30 Days Hath September, April, June and November.  All the rest have 31 except March and April which hath 8000
~~~~~ 
Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly.  Now weed's legal and schools closed damn kids are livin' the dream!
~~~~~ 
This is stupid.  I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!
~~~~~ 
After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside.  I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them.  Now I understand dogs.
~~~~~ 
Day 40 of social isolation and it's looking like Vegas in my house:  We're losing money by the minute.  Cocktails are acceptable at any hour.  Nobody knows what time it is.

 

Creative Defense

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 

Pilot CheckList

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

 

 

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