Humor

The Truth About Science

** QUOTES FROM 11-YEAR-OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS: **

** "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

** "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

** "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

** "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in test tube"

** "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

** "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

** "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

** "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

** "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

** "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"

** "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

** "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

** "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

** "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

** "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

** "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

** "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

** "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things, then..........   


Then you are probably the family dog.

 

The Wrong Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying
on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest!
Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but
finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a
little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic.
But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church
on Third Avenue, and every Friday night I listen to the Catholic litany.
Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying
man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man, and says in a solemn
voice: "B4. I19. N38. G54. O72."

 

Sarah Finkel

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with
the person who gives the information regarding your patients.
I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's
name and room number?"

She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302"

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.
Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine,
her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be
taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her
home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic
that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close
family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"

 

 

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