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** QUOTES FROM 11-YEAR-OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
**
** "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
** "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not
breathe, you expire."
** "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
** "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over
a flame in test tube"
** "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide"
** "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not
found in a free state"
** "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars."
** "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
** "Respiration is composed of two acts, first
inspiration, and then expectoration."
** "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
even deader"
** "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire."
** "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold."
** "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look
like umbrellas."
** "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the
borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the
brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five
- a, e, I, o and u."
** "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
away."
** "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
** "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope
lives."
** "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the
blood is affirmative or negative."
If
you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be
cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist
complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat
the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can
understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can
overlook when people take things out on you when through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take
criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face
the world without lies and deceit,
If you can
conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax
without liquor,
If you can sleep
without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all
these things, then..........
Then you are
probably the family dog.
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street
in New York City. He lies dying
on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest!
Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd but
finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then
out of the crowd steps a
little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a
priest. I'm not even a Catholic.
But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Mary's
Catholic Church
on Third Avenue, and every Friday night I listen to the
Catholic litany.
Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where
the dying
man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man, and says
in a solemn
voice: "B4. I19. N38. G54. O72."
A woman, calling a local hospital, said,
"Hello, I'd like to talk with
the person who gives the information regarding your patients.
I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or
doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the
patient's
name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in
Room 302"
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.
Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine,
her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be
taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she
continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her
home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's
fantastic
that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must
be a close
family member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells
me anything!"
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