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by Dan Smith
Is the man who swept you off your feet now stepping on your toes? Does the handsome Prince Charming who rescued you and rocked your world – your one and only ‘soulmate’ – now seem but a distant memory?
After the “honeymoon” stage in any relationship, when the wonder has waned and reality sets in, both partners feel the thump of crashing back to earth; the realization that the magic of first experience can not last indefinitely. It can take 3 weeks or 3 years, but it always comes. For many women, however, the fading of fresh passion represents more than lost intensity – it can mean a loss of identity. When Prince Charming is revealed to be a “Regular Joe,” the damsel can indeed become distressed.
According to Suzanne Harrill, counselor and author of Enlightening Cinderella: Beyond the Prince Charming Fantasy, women too often allow their identities to become forged both by and through their Prince Charming. A woman’s sense of self-worth in this scenario, posits Harrill, is inextricably tied to their man, so when Prince Charming no longer royally radiates, her esteem and happiness take a hit.
“Women – particularly ones who for various reasons feel their man is the answer to their dreams – focus too much on their mate as their source of happiness,” says Harrill. “By not looking inward for happiness, when infatuation with a man and sense of completeness inevitably wears off, a woman faces an unpleasant and disheartening reality.”
“Sadly, when this happens infatuation is equated with being in love, and women feel the need to get away from their partner and continue the search for their ‘soulmate,’ – and the cycle of break-ups and heartbreak continues.”
Harrill sees the obsession with ‘finding your soulmate’ and misguided and dangerous for relationships. In her years of counseling individuals and couples, she’s found direct parallels between problems, unhappiness and inadequacies in childhood and rocky relationships in adulthood. In particular, events such as divorce, death and the absence of a parent cause a woman – or a man – to act out certain ‘scripts’ with their partner to get the love, approval and attention they didn’t get as a child.
“Everyone has ‘issues’ from their past,” adds Harrill, “and if we don’t seek to resolve them on our own terms, we will seek to have them resolved in a relationship; basically using love as a substitute for the resolution of an inner conflict. Unfortunately, this rarely – if ever – really works.”
So what’s a woman to do when she realizes her Prince Charming isn’t the answer to her problems? Harrill offers some pointers gleaned from Enlightening Cinderella:
- Recognize that there are no truly ‘perfect matches.’ Relationships are based on growth and learning more about each other as you go along. It’s much easier to deal with your man’s real human flaws than it is getting past nicks in a knight’s shining armor.
- Look within for happiness, and share it with your partner. Emotional security and fulfillment can’t come from someone else – only from within yourself.
- Realize that infatuation, by its very nature – can’t last forever. Infatuation is a natural and wonderful stage in most relationships – but it’s just a stage. A relationship will need attention and repair if it’s going to last.
- Look at your past to understand your present. True, this is easier said than done, but through introspection and honest evaluation of your childhood and background, patterns and ‘scripts’ will become clear, enabling you to make positive changes.
- Remember … conflict isn’t a bad thing. Too many couples sweep problems under the rug, and end up with a very bumpy floor! Deal with conflicts, confront issues, and turn the experience into a positive one.
“The bottom line is that ‘Prince Charming’ is fantasy, and looking for or expecting to find perfection in a relationship always leads to trouble,” notes Harrill. “By moving beyond this fantasy, and looking within for answers, it really is possible to live happily ever after.”
This review of Enlightening Cinderella, by Suzanne E. Harrill was written by Dan Smith. Available as an e-book on this site.
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