A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
(You'll love this)
God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
One year, I helped my daughter make her Christmas cards. The front had a picture of her three children and said "I like to give homemade gifts for Christmas...".
Inside it said: "Which one of the kids would you like?"
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a Christmas gift of a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.
"Gladly," responded the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days after Christmas, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."