Becoming the Person You Always Wanted to Marry

Do you ever experience any of the following dilemmas? You are married and don’t want to be. You feel lonely with a partner and have found marriage very disillusioning and disappointing. Have you ever wanted a different partner, yet did not have the courage to go through the separation and divorce process? Have you been rejected by a partner and felt you could not survive alone or decided it is not worth trusting again and that it is better to say single? Maybe you want to be married for such reasons as companionship for old age or simply to keep the lonliness at bay. Are you recently widowed and thrown on your own for the first time with no survival skills for self-sufficiency? Or have you found that you do not want a partner, but find it difficult to take the judgements and comments of others that think this is odd? You are not alone.

These are very common dilemmas and the solution to each one is the same, turn inward to create a better relationship with yourself. It is never too late to learn to become the person you always wanted to marry. Focus on knowing and healing your issues, getting your needs met, and loving yourself, rather than focusing on what you do not have in your outer world. The secret is to find friendship and fulfillment within and to drop the illusion that you must have the perfect partner or situation to make you okay and happy. As you discover that you are a whole and complete person within, you will live happily ever after with or without a partner. Make a conscious choice to face and heal your issues and move out of fear, neediness, and unawareness. Two things may help you accept your current situation as "the best of all possible worlds," as Voltaire said in his classic, Candid. One is to further your personal power in managing your life and two is to update your faulty belief system. The paradox is that as you do the inner work to heal yourself and expand your awareness, it positively affects your current situation, whatever it may be.

What is self-empowerment? It is acting responsibly as a mature adult to make decisions that support your needs, wants, and well-thought-out value system. A strong base of self-esteem supports you, as you grow in your ability to know, love, accept, and express your true self (as opposed to your conditioned self). Here you live with a sense of control over your life, not turning your power over to others to make decisions for you. It is living your life with a connection to your inner spiritual Self as well. From this place, you know how to meet most of your own needs and wants in healthy ways so you are not needy, demanding, and full of unmet expectations. This may sound like a pretty big goal; however, it is the way out of living life based on the unhealthy emotional dependency, insecurity, and control that plague many unhappy people. Instead of hoping a person or a perfect relationship will fix everything not going well in your life, you take responsibility for your own happiness.

Your only true place of power is over your inner world of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, beliefs, attitudes, and choices. Why not expand your own awareness of yourself and learn to be what you are looking for, rather than focusing outside yourself, searching for that perfect partner, being dissatisfied with the one you have, feeling you have the wrong one, or even thinking you have to have a partner? As you deepen your awareness of yourself and grow more whole and complete, you accept that you have emotional wounds that need healing, you realize that you have ideas running your life that do not serve you, and you see the need to update the guiding beliefs upon which you base your life. You will find that many of your beliefs are not true. For example, many of you were taught that it is bad and selfish to focus on your own needs and wishes. If you were taught it is better to give and not think of yourself, your needs, wants, or goals, then you might miss the fact that this belief turns you into a submissive, emotional doormat, and victim with weak emotional boundaries. As you heal yourself and become more whole, then, paradoxically, you will find all your relationships will improve or those that do not support your best interests may disappear.

The best way to have a good relationship is to become your own best friend. As you listen to your inner conflicts, needs, goals, etc., you grow in your awareness. Over time you stop expecting others to heal you because you are healing yourself. Journal writing or talking to yourself on a daily basis is important. By the way, bringing out the best in yourself brings out the best in your partner. When you heal your unhealthy patterns of thinking, behaving, and communicating, you impact your current relationship. The new people you attract and the "old" relationships that continue will just "happen" to be closer to what you were looking for in the first place. As you grow in your ability to know yourself, take care of your needs and wants, develop your talents and interests, and love yourself, then you will automatically attract people who reflect your greater harmony, beauty, intimacy, awareness, and love.

Here are two exercises to help you become more aware of this person you are becoming instead of thinking your needs must be met from a partner. The first one defines what you are looking for in your partner and, therefore, yourself. The second one helps you recognize your belief system to see where updates are in order.

Exercise #1. Daydream for a minute and imagine you are meeting the perfect partner for you. What qualities would this person possess physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? Make a list including your needs, your wants, and your wishes, hopes, and dreams. Here is an example: I am looking for a partner who is physically active, plays tennis, likes to share at a deep, intimate level, acknowledges his/her own problems and issues, and is open to therapy if needed. I am looking for someone who is creative, non-judgmental, does not blame, criticize, or project their "stuff" onto others, admits faults and problems, takes responsibility for solving her/his problems, and who knows and is actualizing their spiritual purpose. I need someone who is affectionate, emotionally and physically available, is warm and friendly, is a handy person around the house, balances work and play, and is financially independent.

Make your list as detailed as you can. Now for the important part of the exercise, check off the aspects that you already recognize in yourself. Notice which ones you do not have. These are imbalances in your personality system and, thus, are areas to develop as you are becoming the person you are looking for in a marriage partner.

Whenever you find yourself looking outside yourself to give you what you are unwilling to give yourself, then you set your relationships up for disappointment. This is a child-like position upon which to base your life. When you expect anyone to give to you what you are unwilling to give yourself, you stop your own progress. If, for example, you are insecure, a partner can only fill your security needs for brief moments; you have to learn to do this for yourself to truly be happy and live a rich life.

Updating Guiding Beliefs

The next exercise introduces you to a life long study, that of recognizing your faulty guiding beliefs and updating them to higher truths. Guiding beliefs are rules from which you live your life; they are true for you, even if they are not universal truths. Many of the beliefs in your subconscious mind were etched there as a child. These beliefs act like the software in a computer telling you what to do. It is natural to pattern your responses to life from your experiences and observations of others’ interpretation of reality—that of your parents, family, schools, religions, and society. Many of these beliefs, however, are dysfunctional. Therefore, your belief structure may not be sound in some places. On top of this, as children we can only perceive things about life and relationships from the developmental stage we are in at any given stage; thus, we do not perceive everything accurately even when there are healthy beliefs and behaviors being modeled to us. In this exercise we will emphasize your guiding beliefs about relationships.

Exercise #2. Write down the beliefs that you have about relationships. Imagine yourself as a child and what you observed from your parents. Look where you are unhappy today in your current situation and go behind it to what your beliefs must be. After you write several, notice especially the ones that are not true for you any more. Also note the ones you feel are not universal truths because you observe other people’s lives proving you wrong. Next rewrite them. This list may include concepts that are really not true to your intellect, but rule you at an emotional level and many times unconsciously.

For example, you may have learned in your family of origin beliefs such as, "It is not safe to reveal inner secrets because your partner will use them against you at a later time; so do not share too much," or "Only love as deeply as your partner does, so you will not get hurt," or "Women sacrifice their needs to make the relationship work, so I really do not want a relationship," or "People who argue have bad relationships, so I refuse to disagree and show my true feelings; I play it safe." You may have learned immature beliefs such as, "I am not a whole person unless I am in a relationship and, therefore, I over-focus on finding that special someone or getting my partner to pay attention to me," or "My parents will not approve of me if I do not get married," or "I am thirty years old, I better marry while I have the chance," or "You can’t teach old dogs new tricks, so I need to dump my partner," or "I don’t deserve to have a relationship, I’m not good enough," or "There is only one perfect person for me and I have not found him/her, therefore I shall never have a relationship," or "Women/men always hurt you." All of these beliefs can be updated to higher truths.

Let us update two of these beliefs that may be hurting some of you. One is the belief that there is one perfect person for you. If you believe this and end up divorced from this person, you may miss an opportunity to have another relationship. Perhaps you may never find a relationship because you are always waiting for the "right one" to show up. Or you may marry and not put your whole heart into the experience once the infatuation wears off and disillusion sets in. This is when your issues come to the forefront. It is important to give your computer, or subconscious mind, a corrected program. To rewrite this false belief you could say, "There are several people that I can live a loving, caring relationship with in life. I know there are no perfect people, so I forgive my partner for her/his faults. I notice when my standards are too high." Write some of your own beliefs and update them. Say them to yourself often.

As you update your guiding beliefs, you will find that you will improve what you experience in life. The thoughts that you think influence your outer reality—what you look for and attract and respond to in life. What you focus upon, consciously and unconsciously, moves you towards them as goals. You are presently experiencing the results of your past thoughts and beliefs which became goals, many of which were set up unconsciously by you. If you want different results in the future, it is time to figure out what the hidden, false beliefs are that were learned from childhood or from dysfunctional relationships in your past. These are ruling you at a very deep level and creating what you do not want. Instead, focus on what you do want, moving in a direction that is more wholesome.

Whether or not you are in a significant relationship at this moment, consider expanding your awareness of yourself, who you are, what you want, what you value, and what you believe. As you work on becoming the person you always wanted to marry, you will have a richer more meaningful life. Then the relationships that show up in your life will be more rewarding. If you already share your life with an intimate partner, you can grow to understanding that this person is an important part of your journey. You can open your mind to working with what comes along your path by being with her/him. You can give each other support and encouragement and enjoy companionship. Two self-actualizing people realize when their own insecurities and past experiences get in the way of happiness in their relationship. They each take personal responsibility to heal their own life and to update their individual belief system. This includes such things as not blaming the partner for not filling-up their emotional black holes, or the dependency needs not met in childhood. It includes taking risks to get ones own needs met so they are not projected onto the partner.

In today’s world you have many choices besides marriage. You can choose to delay marriage, not marry, or divorce to live alone or to find a new partner when dissatisfied. Having the power of choice is good, yet many people are still unhappy. Many think they should be married or that they are missing something if they are not in a relationship. They are, but so are married people who are not single. Those in a committed relationship can get disillusioned because the partner does not satisfy all their needs and expectations. Some may even think, "I married the wrong one." Becoming the person you always wanted to marry is a solution to all these dilemmas. It focuses attention within self to become a complete being rather than turning your power over to someone outside yourself to feel good. You no longer want to find the perfect partner to fill in your missing pieces. As you recognize and move your life towards a place of wholeness, you can enjoy whichever scenario you are currently living.