Humor

 

Seniors Giving Birth

Submitted by Katharine Baldwinn

With all the new technology regarding fertility,
recently a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth
to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went
home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and
we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative
asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked
again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when
can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they asked. "Why do we have to
wait until he cries?"

BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM ... OK?"

 

 

The following jokes were submitted by Marle Creer:

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum,
a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

 

 

God is so Good!

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my
favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I
approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed ... "Lord, it's up to you, if you
want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for
me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block,there it was!

God is so Good!"

 

 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services. There are
some real winners in here!


Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
CalvaryMethodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keepin g around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who
is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off... let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping. She has requested
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church, and so ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare at 7 PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

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