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Send your questions to Suzanne@InnerworksPublishing.com
Question: The person I am in
relationship with has a problem with telling the truth. Even
when it would make no difference, my partner will change the
facts sometimes. Integrity and being a person of my word is one
of my top values, but not so with my partner, who thinks I
overreact. We have gone around and around with this and I need
more information.
Answer: I will talk about why people
lie. However, I ask you to look within to figure out the reasons
you are drawn to and in a relationship with one who lies. Time
alone to ponder your family-of-origin patterns and history is a
good place to start. Look where you were conditioned and
unconsciously repeating dramas. Take your time, as it is like
learning a new language to study yourself, why you make certain
choices, and to determine how to improve your future. You might
affirm daily, "I am ready to heal my life."
It may be important in your situation to
explore whether or not your partner is willing to look at this
as a serious issue in this relationship. When one person lives
with high integrity and the other one does not, there is a basic
difference in values. The more shared values a couple has the
more compatible they are and therefore it is easier to accept
the things that cannot be changed in the partner. Usually the
expertise of a trained third party, counselor, minister, rabbi,
or priest is needed when one party does not see that there is a
problem.
Now to answer your question. There are many
reasons why people exaggerate and lie. Not knowing you and your
partner, I can only give an overview of why some people lie.
Some of the more common reasons people lie
are:
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The person does not want restrictions on
what they do.
-
It was modeled to them as children.
Honesty and integrity were not taught, expected, or valued.
-
The truth got them into trouble with an
angry, overactive, dysfunctional parent, so lying became a
way of life.
-
It became habitual and "normal"
from acting out as a teenager, who wanted to explore the
world outside of the family.
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The person was parented with an extreme
parenting style, overly permissive where behavior and time
commitments were not valued or overly strict and too many
things were punished and usually severely.
-
There was victimization by an abusive
person – parent or partner.
-
There is fear of paying the consequences
of telling the truth. One example would be coming from an
overly strict religious environment where one would be
severely punished for things that most families would
consider normal and okay.
-
Low self-esteem
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Fear of losing control
-
Fear of rejection
Most people who lie are not truthful with
themselves. If you are a person who lies to others and you want
to stop, you need to start with understanding yourself and
loving and forgiving yourself. Much inner work is needed to
understand your past, family of origin issues, to recognize
thoughts and feelings as they come up that make you fearful of
telling the truth and keep repeating unhealthy old patterns, to
clarify and reset your values, and much more. The first step is
a conscious choice to change to live your lfe with honesty and
integrity. Then:
-
Re-educate yourself to stop being a
victim.
-
Build your level of honesty and integrity
with yourself, then with others.
-
Take risks to tell the truth and to hear
the truth.
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Build your self-esteem. Talk kindly to
yourself, practicing love and forgiveness.
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Get counseling, read self-help books,
take self-awareness classes.
-
Build a healthy network of friends to
support your new growth.
-
Be grateful when someone loves you enough
to call you on your lying and who expects you to be a fully
functioning adult.
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