BY: J Patrick Ware MD
I was recently asked to share some
reflections on the nature of conflict and spirituality. The
following are some of those thoughts...
If the absence of conflict is peace, then one could reasonably
imagine that any entity which encourages or enhances peace may
reduce or eliminate conflict. In any argument, if common
ground can be developed between the opposing parties, the
original investment in the issues of contention usually fade
– the clear basis of negotiation/arbitration. This is
especially true if the development of each party's interest
and/or investment in the area of commonality is rewarding as
much as or perhaps even more than the parties original
expectation concerning their initial areas of conflicted
interest(s). Moreover, what if the experience of peace or
contentment derived from the discovered areas of commonality
are significantly beyond any level of "pleasure"
from the pursuit of and/or acquisition of satisfaction
previously contemplated.
Whether it is a parent attempting to dissuade two three year
olds intent on possessing the same toy or an Ivy League
mediator facilitating a high level corporate dispute, the
issue presented would appear to be frighteningly similar. To
have (or get) that which we seek beyond ourselves is thought
to bring "success" (i.e. joy, contentment,
pleasure). We would appear however to contradict ourselves if
we take a closer look at what we know and how we live. If you
ask a parent of a teenager or perhaps even a teenager older
sibling about whether generally giving in to the demands of a
person much younger than themselves would as a general rule be
helpful or harmful, most will usually respond "of course
not!" Yet if we explore what families with means
frequently do with their children's demands for specific
objects from the newest fad toy to a $60,000 SUV, we find
often what we do and what we know do NOT go hand in hand. As a
humble lay student of the human spirit currently and over
history, I am led to conclude two basic things.
The first, and most embarrassing is when I compare the
sophistication and rapid changes we see in the technology
today along side of what appears to be little or no change in
the manner of how we define societal success (we still kill
each other over property). There would appear to be little
change in the later for thousands of years. The second and
perhaps most important is that we as a species appear to have
generated our own dilemma by establishing a kind of subliminal
definition of human success as the absence of pain and/or the
presence of pleasure.
If one asks any average person whether it is possible to live
one's life without unpleasantness (sadness, sorrow, fear,
apprehension, jealousy, uncertainty, and/or anger), the
response is usually "of course not!" and the
rationale follows: "because….. these feelings are just
a part of life!" Yet when we are presented with these
experiences daily, we so mindlessly label them as
"bad" and spend incalculable sums on the pursuit of
"why" with the subliminal expectation that
elimination of the offending experience will follow. When go
beyond the pursuit of why and the experiences do not seem to
ebb over long periods of time – we then label them as
symptoms of weakness and/or disease (**) e.g. a
"sad" person is just unhappy but a
"depressed" person can be "treated" (i.e.
therapeutic removal of the disease of depression is
visualized).
Most people I have known agree that one of
the most constant elements in the universe is how one
"feels" about a particular subject and how resilient
this "truth" appears to be. When the feeling is
pleasurable, it is seen as strength. When painful, it is seen
as problematic and unacceptable. Many when aware clearly of
the question concur that they have never been able to forcibly
change a feeling "good" (pleasant) or
"bad" (unpleasant). Assuming you do not like mustard
on your pumpkin pie, try some next time and see how successful
you are at "making" yourself like it. What if this
"pain" is actually a gold mine undiscovered. What
if, those "bad" feelings that we spend so much
energy, time, and resources upon attempting to deny, ignore,
avoid, and/or replace with (usually generated) pleasure, are
actually elements of some of our most precious and important
aspects.
We have a world of fast moving individuals who fill their day
with activities designed to increase their own possessions,
give other what they want, expand their areas of influence
upon others or perhaps even become sought after by others. It
is a world where it is all too common that by the mid to late
30's the individual is reporting a sense of discontent,
emptiness, and often futility – in search of (still) the
right (marital) partner, job, income, vehicle, home and/or
profession that will ultimately bring peace/contentment. The
hope is that gaining these "right" things will end
the emptiness, the restlessness, and perhaps the experience of
having "missed" the last hour, day, week, month,
year or decade.
What if the gift of life is just as our pensive youthful older
teenage sibling previously acknowledged (before we examined
how he was actually living). What if "The Gift" is
simply our in the moment consciousness of all 6 senses (the
classic 5 plus our emotions) and that is all... or as some
would say "the all?" When I ask the average person
to consider rendering every thought and feeling they have ever
had in their life onto an imaginary binary frame and
subsequently invite them to assess what percentage of their
life has to date been unpleasant in some fashion or manner, I
get strong emphatic statements acknowledging major
magnitudes frequently if not commonly in the above 50-60%
range.
When the individual then explores how they
have historically responded to their "bad" feeling
with responses other than acceptance, honoring and/or
embracing – they become aware that they have to usually a
major extent failed to provide themselves with the same quiet
nurturing presence that is commonly seen as a critical
foundation for the loving and effective parent and/or friend.
Why do we seek the understanding ear and/or heart of our
dearest friend(s) when in times of great pain and upon finding
this discover some experience or form of peace and yet fail to
recognize as we live that it is only from the development of
our own moment by moment capacity to honor, embrace and even
cherish all of the elements of the Gift of Life – The Gift
of Consciousness will we be able to allow simple contentedness
and peace to be at the center of our lives.
To date all who are on the journey report natural
redefinitions of what is important, what is of value in their
lives. While continuing to pursue the parallel world of
laundry, kids, work and taxes… they report that taking their
full essence with them each moment when practiced and
developed their priorities are naturally revised and prior
sources of conflict with others are drastically reduced
if not eliminated.
We have explored for centuries the "positive"
aspects of conflict and perhaps the best thing this writer can
say about it is that for those who have not discovered the
full richness of their own in the moment consciousness, it is
a way to define oneself and spend life-time although I have
not yet met anyone to recommend this as a way of life who has
experienced the alternative. What if a "good" day is
NOT a day you feel good, but a "good" day is a day
you simply feel…. All of Life! What if doing that which we
have been so conditioned to pursue as a mindless definition of
success is indeed the author of our distress. What if the
alternative way of living is not only "better" but
easier? The only way you will ever know for sure, is to
explore… yourself… your own "truth" to its
fullest extent.
The answer(s) to our human dilemma (and
conflict with others) lies within each of our own spirits.
J Patrick Ware, MD
Atlanta Family Psychiatry
Child, Adolescent, Adult & Family Psychiatry
P.O. Box 871149
Stone Mountain, Georgia 30087
Phone: 770-806-8323
Email: DrJimPat@aol.com
(Back)
