Humor

Minister and Teenage Boys

A minister was walking by a group of teenage boys and said, "Hi, what are you boys up too?"

One of the boys replied, "Oh, nothing much, we were just trying to see which one of us could tell the biggest lie about...... you know........ sex"

The minister said, "I'm surprised at you!" "Why when I was your age, I didn't even think about sex!"

In unison, the boys shouted, "You win!"

 

No Nursing Home in my Future

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Holland America Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day.

I have checked on reservations at Holland America and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.

That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $15 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service
(which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. There are swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Holland America will have a ship ready to go.


So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

 

The Church Gossiper

The Church Gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she accused George, a new member, of being drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of a few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

George simply said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house and left it there all night.

 

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

 

 

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