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A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the
bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is
everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat,
brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper
shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him
for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador
retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could
talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time
at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to
bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom
window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is an intruder in your
house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were
busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer
would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up,
counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about
them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response
unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said
that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
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