In the last issue, we discussed what
codependency is, looked at the history of codependence, and
how to identify the fine line between being selfless and
taking care of others verse the disease of over-caring for
others and fostering unhealthy dependency. Now we will look at
the dysfunctional family to remind ourselves of some of the
ways we learned to be codependent. It is never too late to
heal the parts of ourselves that are wounded, shut down., and
repeating unhealthy patterns of emotional dependency.
Educating ourselves begins the process of transforming
codependency into responsible nurturing and giving to others.
Let us look at the dysfunctional family
system briefly to see how many people have been conditioned to
have emotional and relationship addictions, which create
codependency. You remember that in a dysfunctional family,
problems are denied and not discussed, and certainly you are
not to discuss them with anyone outside the family. It is a
closed family system where no new information or
interpretations of situations can come in; so professional
help is out. Therefore, you must stumble along pretending
there are no problems, looking good to the outside world, but
at the same time feeling the family problems and knowing at
the emotional level that they are there. You receive no
confirmation or data about what these problems are from your
parents.
As a child when you felt there were
problems and the adults denied them, then you began to doubt
what you thought and felt about problems not being addressed.
Slowly you turned away from paying attention to your thoughts
and feelings, becoming focused outside of yourself by doing
instead of feeling. You may have done such things as focus on
being a good student, achieving at sports, giving often, being
good and not demanding attention, or being overly responsible,
to name a few. As you practiced the family rule, to stop
listening to your inner self telling you the truth about what
you were thinking and feeling, it stopped the awareness and
growth process. Eventually the dysfunctional family system
trains you to lose touch with who you are. You feel lonely,
insecure, abandoned, and stop trusting your voice of
intuition, as well as other people. This is carried over to
adulthood.
Many times in the dysfunctional family, the
adults have so many problems that the child’s needs for
proper psychosocial development are not met. There are certain
ages that children need more attention than others. There is a
fine balance between over- and under- involvement of a parent
at each stage. When a parent is unaware and does not know age
appropriate nurturing, safety, love, attention, or affection,
they over or under give to the child in each of the stages.
When a child does not get his/her dependency needs met, this
contributes to emotional and physical dependencies, in
adulthood.
Next let us discuss the developmental
process of dependency in infancy to interdependency in
healthy, adult relationships. At birth everyone is totally
helpless and dependent on adults to survive. It is very proper
for a baby to need a lot of attention, holding, and responding
to its needs. Trust is learned in the first year of life by
how well those dependency needs are met. As the baby becomes
mobile there is an important stage of counter-dependency. With
the safety of mom or the caregiver nearby, the baby explores
the environment; always making sure mom is near.
Eye contact is important here to convey
interest on the part of mom sending a message, "I will
let you explore as long as it is safe for you and will set
limits on what you do to take care of you." As you can
see, it would be very easy to curb this natural curiosity to
explore your world. If you are kept in a confined space like a
playpen for long period of time, if mom is so busy she does
not give the constant reassurance of eye contact to you as a
toddler, or if she overprotects you and hovers over your every
move, you will not develop properly.
There are degrees of independence that can
be encouraged as a child naturally wants to grow to be an
individual separate from mom. For example a two-year-old wants
to dress him/herself, even if it includes putting a shirt on
inside out, wearing colors that do not match, or putting the
shoes on the wrong feet. They like to make their own peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches as well. In normal development the
parent knows to let go and let the young child do many things
for themselves, even if not done perfectly. What happens many
times is the adult does not encourage this independence and
stops the desire of the child to be independent. Comments
like, "Oh, let me do that for you. You are making a
mess," are discouraging to normal independent
development. The opposite can be detrimental also; such as,
letting the two-year-old do too much, therefore neglecting the
child and not setting appropriate limits on the independent
behaviors. This can easily happen when the birth of the next
child is close.
Somewhere around four years of age a child
figures out that mom is not all knowing and all seeing. They
figure out such things as, "If mom is not looking, I can
cross the street and visit my friend." Here we have the
desire to separate, to think and do things for self. Again
this has to be responded to sensitively, but this is basically
a time to encourage the child to do much for him/herself. It
is a good time for example, to allow the child to choose what
they want to wear each day and to do some things without the
caregiver watching every move.
The final stage in this process is to teach
children interdependence. The child needs to know when they go
too far with independent actions and thoughts. They need
feedback when they reach a certain point in their actions,
desires, or decisions that they are not being fair to others
and are out of balance. We live with others and their needs
also have to be taken into consideration too when we live our
life. Everything you do affects me and everything I do affects
you. Dependency and independence are both aspects of
interdependence. Limits are put on total independence to
include living in a world with others. When you do not have
the proper nurturing at the proper time in early development,
from dependency to interdependency, then you get caught into
the web of dysfunctional behaviors. Most of us have some
problems as the result of this growth process of not being
parented optimally.
The good news is that growth is not limited
to childhood. You continue going through these stages and
growth opportunities constantly appear throughout your life.
That is why it is so important to recognize what is
"off" in your upbringing so you can heal the wounded
parts of your conditioned self. This is where the inner child
idea comes from. We can re-parent the younger, immature parts
of ourselves and heal our consciousness.
Besides our dysfunctional families and the
parental skills of unaware parents, there are dysfunctional
belief systems that perpetuate codependence. One example is
the religious teaching that says it is better to give than
receive. This is a very high truth, if you are serving those
less fortunate, less aware, or less able than yourself. It
does not say it is better to give more than you receive
when in an egalitarian, mature relationship. If you are
dealing with a peer, spouse, or family member (exception young
children and the elderly that cannot take care of themselves)
there needs to be a balance, an equal exchange of energy.
Things get out of balance if you give out
of proportion and match up with others who take out of
proportion. This pattern draws people together many times in
relationships. This lopsided energy exchange will make each
feel victimized by the other over time. The giver many times
gives because there is a hidden expectation of receiving
something – a future favor, a pat on the back, words of
endearment, or acknowledgment that one is a good or nice
person, etc. When these "rewards" do not show up,
the giver eventually feels taken advantage of and many times
gets angry or hurt. The giving here has been conditional. In
unconditional giving there is no expectation of a return and
what you can give is given without resentment.
Interestingly enough the receiver many
times is not even asking for the things the giver gives. Many
times the recipient feels that emotional and physical
boundaries are being invaded and that there are hidden
expectations to give something back. This person many times
gets angry about being pestered and their space being invaded.
Both are responsible for the pattern, however, the giver and
the receiver. To make positive changes in a mature
relationship requires both being honest and looking at the
unhealthy patterns that need to be changed.
Having the traits of giving and responding
to others is usually a good thing. It becomes negative or
codependent when you do not take care of your needs first, you
stop another’s growth by giving what another needs to do for
him/herself, or you ignore your own problems by helping others
with their problems. There are healthy places to use the trait
of giving to others. It is very simple, give from your
overflow and help others who need what is being
offered. The degree to which you fill yourself up physically,
emotionally, mentally, and spiritually is the degree to which
you can give unconditionally. When your giving is
unconditional and you think about what is appropriate for you
and the other person, it is not codependent. It is the
opposite.
The key to clear, clean giving and avoiding
codependence is to work on your own healing, beginning with
learning what your needs are and meeting them. As you get to
know yourself, you will learn to tune into yourself
periodically throughout the day to listen to the needs of your
inner self in order to find balance. Notice simple things such
as whether you are bored and need people and more activity
today, or you are tired, need less socializing and physical
activity today and would benefit by being alone. If you need
attention, admit it and look for appropriate ways to nurture
yourself. If you need to be touched, you may treat yourself to
a massage periodically.
The main point is to take responsibility
for your own nurturing, to get your needs and wants met daily
so your giving comes from a good place. Stop giving time,
attention, and emotional energy when you do not have it to
give, which depletes you. Giving while emotionally needy or
empty has a hidden agenda, a hook of an expectation of a
return. Learn to heal the needy parts of yourself and to meet
your needs.
On the journey to wholeness it is important
to look at your patterns of giving to determine whether or not
you are giving for the right reasons and actually helping
others. Codependency is dysfunctional because you are unaware
of yourself, your needs, and the needs of the other person.
Here you take care of others to fill a void within self, not
realizing that it is doing damage to you, as well as to
others. We have looked at codependency and how it gets started
in the family of origin and ways heal it. As you grow, heal
and learn to transform your codependency, you will responsibly
give to others and have the privilege of truly being of
service. You will have equal, mature, loving relationships
with friends and family based on choice.
