What makes a couple stay together a lifetime? Are there secrets that others can learn about making a long-term commitment? I will share personally how it is possible to begin a traditional, unaware relationship, go through a process of transformation and end up with a long-term, conscious or aware relationship. Exposure to new concepts outside of my frame of reference triggered my inner search, as did some significant outside events. With my sharing I encourage you to use your relationship challenges to grow in awareness so you can create a more satisfying relationship.

Early on my goal in life was to find my partner. This I believed would make me feel happy, complete, and secure. I found my partner and married young, but did not find true happiness or the feelings of completeness and security that I expected from the union. Emotional pain catapulted me onto the journey of self-discovery, inner healing, and living with awareness.

Upon entering marriage I was very optimistic, naïve, and unaware. For a long time I tried to deny the reality of the way things were and hide my disappointments from myself. I continued being optimistic and assumed good things were in store. They were, but not in the way I had imagined. There would be an intense journey ahead, before living happily ever after could even get started.

This journey showed me that to face whatever came my way and to stay conscious and present would eventually show me different results and change the script I unconsciously copied from my parents and society for a primary relationship. I learned to glean insights, healing, and shifts in my perceptions and awareness by meeting head-on whatever came up in the relationship, both positive and negative feeling events, encounters, and experiences.

It was necessary to change my interpretation of good and bad. I entered marriage wanting only to experience the good, the easy, the fun and what was peaceful and harmonious. Being an either-or thinker, I was either happily married or unhappily married. The relationship was working or it was not working. I believed such ideas as the relationship was not working if there was conflict, we had a fight, or irritated one another. Add another to this unhealthy belief, "If I could just be a better wife, we would not have problems, my husband would not get angry, and this would be a good marriage." This rigid belief system set me up for a lot of unhappiness and needed to change.

Higher truths followed, greatly improving my relationship with myself and my husband. For one, I learned to see that the relationship just IS and includes the positive and the negative feeling experiences and events. Dropping value-judgements and learning from all experiences takes one to new places of relating.

It has been a long, laborious, process for my husband and myself to become aware individuals. If there is one reason why we are still together, it may be because we both stayed on the "dance floor" when it was tense, continuing to grow, even when it was a close call a few times. This relationship continues to raise my consciousness and to heal my issues, but at a slower pace then in younger years. We now have a new perspective of living happily ever after. We are two different individuals growing and changing and we enjoy mutual caring, support, and companionship. It no longer scares me that there can still be difficult passages to face around the corner or that some parts of our personalities and ways of thinking are still so different.

Couples need outside information when they can not solve their problems. Each brings family of origin patterns and beliefs, experiences, traits, and problem-solving abilities into the relationship. As they blend, there is conflict many times, which is an important ingredient for growth and change. Eventually, most couples experience an impasse, having gone through all their own resources to help themselves and can go no further. That is why self-help books, growth seminars, workshops, self-discovery classes, and counseling are so helpful at this time, to educate and stimulate healthy healing and change.

Many events and experiences contributed to the re-education of myself. One was a marriage encounter weekend. It made a significant shift for my husband and myself, where we learned new skills and concepts to move us past some of our blocks and problems. We jumped to a new level of relating.

What was one of our empasses? I was on the fast track once I found out there was a whole new way of thinking and living life. The boundaries of my universe were growing and expanding daily. They were not growing so fast with my husband though, which caused a lot of friction between us. I was now reading books about my issues, such as emotional dependencies, assertiveness, and self-esteem, and the spiritual journey.

What happens when one person in the marriage is on this fast track of self-discovery and development and the partner is not impressed with all the new ideas and behaviors or that new "dance steps" are moving him/her along too? It is not an easy process. Having come out the other side, I can now help others to stay on the dance floor, work on their own transformation, confront the problems with the partner, and above all else, Stay Conscious. To grow, transform, and to heal yourself and your relationship, it is very important to stay aware of the process and to notice the patterns of thinking, behaving, and relating rearing their heads to be healed. It is a very unstable time. Lots of talking and communicating are important. Outside counseling can be a stabilizing factor, especially if you find a counselor who has been through this process.

When all else fails do your own inner work. Tear down the foundation of outdated, dysfunctional beliefs, get in touch with your values, set new goals, and learn skills missing in your life, like assertiveness or active listening. Rebuild your own foundation and base your new structure on your true self. While you are in such a creative process it is very difficult to know whether the partner will come along on the journey or reject you (they are really rejecting all that you are bring up in him/her that they prefer not to look at or feel). It is not a good time to make a major life decision, like divorce.

Journal writing really benefited me and is how I did a lot of therapeutic work on myself. It is how I learned to get in touch with my true self. At times journal writing focused my thinking when I felt upset, frustrated, and misunderstood. Once I could write out my feelings and thoughts I could then communicate them much better to my husband. Earlier in my marriage I would write letters to my husband whenever I was upset. This served me as journal writing did later. It may benefit you.

Over time my husband went through his own awakening and we both understood the big picture of how one heals and the process of change. We both learned about projection and to this day work to stop projecting our issues onto the other and to take responsibility for our own healing. I can not, for example, hold my partner responsible for my anger. I have to search within myself to find the deeper causes and do what I need to do to heal it. This may involve healing some of my family of origin patterns, changing my thinking patterns, expressing something to my partner, or forgiving myself or my partner for being unaware and hurting me.

I will mention an important process that helped me, which might benefit some of you and your relationship. Not liking to acknowledge or feel my angry feelings, let alone express them or talk about them, was a major block for me. My husband and I were married for many years before we began the transformation process, so there were many things, I in particular, repressed. Hiding my anger kept me separate from my husband emotionally.

A releasing process unfolded spontaneously between us where it was safe for me to remember and express every detail of everything that ever bothered me about my husband and the relationship. During a period of time my memory opened up with clarity. When we went to bed at night, I would begin feeling angry and start crying. With my partner’s encouragement I dumped many negative feelings and thoughts. He would touch me as I cried and expressed. Sometimes he would say, "I’m sorry I did that." It was very healing for the relationship and for me. My anger and resentment had been blocking our ability to move forward and this process healed so much. If you do this in your relationship it is a good idea to talk about it first, to set the stage.

There were several very dynamic years as we healed our inner selves. The relationship is never done, however, we continue to this day talking and processing issues when they arise, with the intention to stay conscious and not suppress problems. After many intense years of growth and transformation, we have grown to a mature place of love and acceptance, supporting each other to grow and develop while enjoying being companions.

There are many theories that try to explain why people stay together and there is some truth to most of them. I do know that having a long-term relationship that is aware, alive, self-actualizing, and life-giving to each person takes a tremendous amount of time and energy. For sure, it is necessary to set the relationship as a high priority, in order to have a good relationship, one that you want for the long-term. My advice, Stay Conscious and Keep Growing!

Back to Article Index